by generally bad at most things
Waking up in the morning can be hard.
It is especially difficult in New York when leaving the safety of your warm bed is compounded by the anxiety of having to ride the steamy, fetid cesspool that is the subway. It can make you wish you were the cockroach you slaughtered last night instead of a cog at some poorly lit start-up in Herald Square.
In addition to completely rational subway dread, most New Yorkers are also dependent on a jungle juice of medications to numb themselves to the daily grind. While this numbness helps when encountering embittered New Yorkers who have lived here for far too long, shit and vomit literally everywhere, and general survival, it can make you incredibly lethargic in the morning, making getting up that much harder.
Waking Up: Our Recommendations
So how the fuck do we conquer this??? Honestly, the only way to avoid the horror of waking up in the morning is to switch meds or work from home every day. Or you can follow the demented recipe for success listed below:
- Set an alarm for way before you actually need to get up. That way, you can have some guilt-free snoozes while optimistically pondering the possibility of you getting up early. HA.
- Brew your stimulant. Whatever this may be—tea, coffee, Adderall…
- Get back in bed and nap while stimulants cool (or begin to work their magic…).
- Slowly wake up by scrolling through your Instagram feed and staring at pictures of people richer than you. Hopefully, they will just be getting home from their morning workouts and preaching wellness and smoothies. Let the guilt sink in and propel you closer to leaving your sanctuary (bed).
- Your stimulants have hopefully hit, so you can get dressed without dying.
- Still want to cry? Pop a xanny and be on your way!