by heyimtalkinhere!
Before I start eviscerating the Bay Area, because San Francisco is the worst, it’s only fair to acknowledge a few things that don’t entirely suck. In order to tolerate the year and a half I spent living there, I had to find a few coping mechanisms.
The first non-sucky thing, and arguably most important, is its proximity to wine country. With just an hour’s drive (who even has a car?), a 90 minute uber, or a 2ish-hour party bus ride, you will find yourself in the rolling hills of Napa, or better yet, Sonoma — a welcome respite from the start-up ridden slums of SF. Up there, most people don’t consider acronyms part of everyday vocabulary. Drinking at 11 am does not need a “day” qualifier to be considered acceptable. Getting a bottle per person is recommended and accompanied by a surprisingly classy, stemless, plastic “glass” to better drink outdoors against the backdrop of rolling hills.
The second decent thing about the state of California is really an extension of the first: access to said wine. When the Sunday Scaries come a-knocking, and you realize you’re sober at 5 pm with the bottles you thought would last the weekend in the recycling bin, look no further than your closest Target. Or Safeway or Whole Foods? We’re not here to judge. The point is one-stop shopping for everything your little alcoholic heart desires. Organic snacks? Affordable good wine? Check and check. Getting drunk at home with Netflix has never been more exciting.
The last is the recreationally legal weed. Obviously, drug delivery is not a novel concept, but using your credit card? It’s a nice touch.
Getting to the Point: SF Is the Worst
Now that we’ve mapped out your route to inebriation, we can start to discuss the rest of the Bay area. Since there are too many things to count, we can keep the conversation focused on a few key areas: dating, fun, and quality of life.
Bumble, tinder, hinge, etc. This is the mecca for the technologically advanced, the epitome of humankind, concentrated in a 7by7 radius. Do you work in tech? Do you love to hike? Sign yourself up because I’m sure you haven’t heard that one before. TL;DR: Finance dudes in NY at least own being assholes; guys in tech in SF claim they’re doing God’s work. You will know you need to move when you start accepting Patagonia as appropriate first-date attire.
I can sum up fun in one sentence: the last call happens around midnight if you’re lucky.
Last, and certainly the worst, is the living situation. Someone recently sent me an article about the cities with the highest rent in the world. Top of the list was San Francisco. Given the median rent, someone would need to make approximately $150K a year to live there. And that’s to survive. Because at $3K+ a month for an apt (i.e., a bed in a living room with a curtain for a door), having a life and getting laid is not a reality. Nouveau San Franciscans may have to dodge dumpster fires and needles on their way to the office, but they will always remind you of the gourmet, chef-prepared free lunch. Be thankful for the kale because you know what they say; some vitamin C a day keeps the hepatitis away.