by sorry for existing
This article explores techniques I have used to survive the ratchet system we live in. I, like many white women who work in the arts (or are trying to…), make no money but need to look like I have it. Sadly, I don’t have a family to fall back on, so I have a contract job to support the full-time day job I have at a museum. (Can a small portion of this place’s endowment maybe go towards allowing me to eat more than scraps for dinner? No? Ok!)
Below is a list of what you should do when you live in LA and believe intellectual capital is way cooler than actual capital. Follow these tips, and you too can (probably) survive in an apartment out of your price range by working a job that you definitely didn’t need to go out and get a Master’s degree for:
- Eat more donuts. Donuts are $1 each and are high in calories. Much more cost-effective than a $12 piece of avocado toast. Bonus: spikes in blood sugar could lead to diabetes and an early grave. No retirement fund is necessary (who even has a 401K anyway?).
- Steal things people will never miss, but you need. Why buy your own toilet paper when you can stuff rolls of it into your pants pockets in a museum bathroom? TP can be used as Kleenex, napkins, or kindling to keep your tiny apartment warm and your heating bill down! Who needs Diptyque candles to set the mood when you can start a tiny blaze in an old lentil can? For years I have been a brokeass fuckgirl from the sticks who people assume is from the Upper East Side cuz I smell like the Le Labo soap that I took from the Bowery Hotel cart.
- Delete all those useless meditation apps that have been keeping you from a complete mental breakdown. There’s a better, cheaper way to help your mental health. You may have a Master’s degree but opt for a customer service job that requires hours of silence, repetitive tasks, and standing on your feet without a break. This is basically what monks do on their way to enlightenment. You’ll transcend the boundaries of the physical plane in no time, and then you won’t need any money!
- Walk everywhere! If I can walk 45 minutes to work every day in the rain, so can you! You don’t need SoulCycle or the gym. Just take a brisk morning walk under multiple city underpasses. Are your feet tired, or was that a hypodermic needle you just stepped on? It doesn’t matter. Feel the burn!
- Continually try to network with people by inviting them to coffee or happy hour. Your treat! Don’t worry. They will never actually follow through and probably won’t email you back at all, but it will force you not to make any real plans with friends where you might need to spend actual money.
- Save your empty $6 kombucha bottles. You will need them to build your glass shelter later on when you can’t afford your rent. https://www.instructables.com/id/How-to-make-a-Bottle-Building/
There you have it, degenerates. These tips will allow you to maintain your posh facade without taking a job in sales at an evil corporation. Stay grungy. It’s chic.