by heyimtalkinhere
Whether you’re traveling for work or get stuck longer than expected after missing your connecting flight, chances are that someday soon you’ll end up in a less-than-desirable location in the United States. We’ve all been there, and lucky for you, I’ve been there more than most. Here’s your guide to making those places suck less. As my father likes to say, a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while. So here are some nuts for you to dig up in our first spot of the series: Salt Lake City, Utah.
First things first, if you’re thinking “Utah” is synonymous with “Book of Mormon,” you’re correct. Salt Lake City was Joseph Smith’s shining beacon of hope as settlers made their way out west back at the beginning of the 19th century. They saw the vast expanse of unpopulated land, and the rest is history.
With nobody around, Salt Lake City was the top choice for starting a new religion with restrictions one might safely call a tad extreme. In order to survive in this desert land, you must never have any fun. Unfortunately, those rules really stood the test of time. On the bright side, the Silicon valley sprawl that has now extended beyond state lines has started to rapidly shift the culture towards micro-brews and legal weed.
Before getting into the places worth hitting up, I’ll share a few words of caution:
- Salt Lake City was not designed for pedestrians. If you’re wondering why the streets all appear to be 6-lane highways, it’s because they are. Each plot of land was designed to have its own farm, and the “city” grid has remained the same. If the crosswalk countdown gets under 15 seconds, don’t even bother, it’s not worth getting stuck standing in the turning lane.
- Never, ever order a beer on tap. The laws meant to keep people from getting drunk were designed by people who have never had alcohol. In other words, there are some serious loopholes they left open. You can get a 12% bottle of beer at a bar, but if you get something on tap, you max out at 3%. Trust me, anything below 5% is not worth the calories.
- It’s an actual desert in a valley. While the mountains are truly beautiful, once you touchdown, you will find yourself at a high altitude, with no moisture in the air and a shit ton of pollution clouded around you. TL;DR: face masks, heavy moisturizer, Claritin, and smart water.
Now that you’re mentally and physically prepared, here are the top things I recommend for your time in Salt Lake City (I’ll keep the list short — as I do not encourage spending more than one day here).
- Stop at one of the two state liquor stores in the city. There might be a line, but it’s worth it. When last call hits at 12:30 am, and you barely have a buzz from the 1oz pours, you’re going to want something to go home to.
- Check out some good restaurants that have great food but are also pleasantly affordable. The Rest is an underground speakeasy beneath the already cool beer and taco bar Bodega. Get their beer can chicken (as long as you don’t have high blood pressure) and the beignets for dessert.
Eva is yet another exceptional choice for dinner. They have small, tapas-like plates, which means you don’t have to burden yourself with a decision. They’re all uniquely delicious, and if you’re stuck with some other people, you can really go to town. - Hit up a few bars. Yes, there are bars in SLC. If you care at all about sports or secretly like sports bar food, go to Whiskey Street for an elevated version of both. They have strategically placed booths to face the TVs and a 5 spice wing that is to die for. Another gem: Lake Effect. Beeline for the back right corner if you have 4 or fewer people in your group, and curl up in a seat that was probably designed to annihilate agoraphobia. The cocktail menu may feel overwhelming in a Cheesecake Factory sort of way, but trust that they’re all exceptionally good.
There are worse places to spend a night on your way to Sundance. Enjoy Salt Lake and get a taste of the city before the next Real Housewives franchise premiers.